love

my owners give me plenty of shit. they tell me its all out of love. i believe them. sometimes.

asleep

today i fell asleep on a pug. i was playing in the park. the pug was playing the in the park. the pug lay down for a rest. it seemed like a good idea. i like resting. so i sidled up on the pug, lay down, and rested my head on its back. the pug slept, and i slept.

until the woman arrived.

"pig on a pug!" she proclaimed.

this startled the pug, who quickly came to its senses and darted off, and my head fell onto the grass.

"awww, no more pug for the pig."

soccer ball

the owners somehow got in their heads that i would enjoy playing with a soccer ball. i promptly fell asleep next to it.


not dissuaded, the guy kicked the ball at me. i fell asleep again.


still not dissuaded, the guy rested the ball on my head.

blob, noun

definitions:
1. an indistinct shapeless form


2. an object having no shape or definition


3. a small lump or splotch


note: even the woman is annoyed by the guy's incessant picture-taking:

i am not a hamper.

yet the guy insists on throwing his clothes on me. i give him a filthy look:


he laughs harder. the woman goes about her merry way. i lay my head in defeat.


he grows more diabolical:

Portrait of a Pig

"resistance is futile, porker!"

this is what the man kept screaming into my ear as he mercilessly rammed some kind of brush with some kind of paste into my mouth and tried to rub it all over my teeth.

i resisted, but his grip only became tighter.

"you must obey, porker! or next time, this brush is going straight up your ass!"

it started out as a two person job, this brushing of my teeth. the guy held me and the woman tried to do the brushing. but she quickly gave up. my jaws were too strong, my moves too quick.

"it's just you and me, porker!" he yelled as the woman slinked away in defeat. "remember porker, the ladder goes no higher than B!" an obvious reference to an earlier remark by the vet as to the fact that the guy occupies the A position in the familial hierarchy and i was humping the woman in public in an effort to move up to the B position.

the battle wore on.

"you won't let me brush your teeth, chunker? i'll just have to wipe the floor with you!"

whereupon he flipped me onto my back and dragged me through the apartment.

this disoriented me long enough for him to flip me over and get off a few brush strokes. the upper, the lower, the molars, the incisors. "not so tough now, are you, porker!"

eventually, i just accepted my fate. as the guy correctly pointed out just before my surrender:

"this is your life, chunker! you can't escape your life!"